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Since we kinda picked on women yesterday, it's the guys
turn. :)
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
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Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!"
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Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!".
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"R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"When you're young is the time to learn to laugh at trouble -- so you'll have something to laugh at when you are old."
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Military Chat
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew
on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One
day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was
surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's
like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several
feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"