"REAL" Newspaper Headlines
- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
- Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
- Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
- Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- British Left Waffles On
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
- Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse To Work After Death
- Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Line
- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
- War Dims Hope For Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held In
- Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctor
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Vernie And The Twins
Vernie, a very not to bright 5 year old, told his daddy he'd like to have a baby brother and, along with his request, offered to do whatever he could to help. His dad, a very bright 35 year old, paused for a moment and then replied, " I'll tell you what, Johnny, if you pray every day for two months for a baby brother, I guarantee that God will give you one!"
Vernie responded eagerly to his dad's challenge and went to his bedroom early that night to start praying for a baby brother.
He prayed every night for a whole month, but after that time, he began to get skeptical. He checked around the neighborhood and found out that what he thought was going to happen, had never occurred in the history of the neighborhood. You just don't pray for two months and then, whammo- a new baby brother. So, Vernie quit praying. After another month, Vernie's mother went to the hospital. When she came back home, Vernie's parents called him into the bedroom. He cautiously walked into the room, not expecting to find anything, and there was a little bundle lying right next to his mother. His dad pulled back the blanket and there was -- not one baby brother, but two!! His mother had twins!
Vernie's dad looked down at him and said, "Now aren't you glad you prayed?"
Vernie hesitated a little and then looked up at his dad and said, "Yes, but aren't you glad I quit when I did?"
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CLOCKS
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
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Repetition
A boss was educating an employee on effective sales technique.
"The main thing to remember is that repetition, repetition,
repetition is the keynote!" he advised. "If you have a product to
sell, keep harping on it in every possible way, cram it down people's
throats and beat them over the head with it! Above all, don't ever
forget to repeat and repeat and repeat! It's the only way to get results!"
"Yes, sir!" the employee answered.
"And now, what was it you came in to see me about?" the boss asked.
The employee replied, "A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A Raise! A
Raise! A Raise!"
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"I had a Super Bowl party at my house this weekend. I really
need a bigger house or fewer friends...and I'm leaning
towards fewer friends." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"
go on vacation. No men will be allowed on the island. Which
leads to the question, 'If something goes wrong, whose fault
will it be?'" -Jay Leno
***
"Krispy Kreme announced they're coming out with a low-fat,
180 calorie, whole wheat doughnut. They're calling this
amazing whole wheat doughnut a bagel." --Conan O'Brien
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One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on
organizing his final report for the year. "Why don't you
use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another
friend suggested.
"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard
doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
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Boomerang
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
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Sleeping at Work
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
1. " ... in God's name, Amen."
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Qualities of Leadership
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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Employee Placement Method
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
- If they've left early, put them in Sales.
- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.