I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery.
"If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press
one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like
to confirm delivery, please press two."
At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-
piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said,
"that is not a valid response."
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Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart
and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner,
right near a large bank.
One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he
can lend him some money.
Don refuses.
"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and
I'm not asking for much."
"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-
competition Agreement with that bank over there. According
to the terms of the agreement, they're don't sell hot dogs,
and I don't lend money."
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? ... I thought Jon Stewart did a great job. He did a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different countries, three of which actually like us." --Jay Leno
"This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. ... The show was very long. And I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that's four and a half hours to give an award for editing. ... I mean, the thing was so long and so dull, I thought I was hosting" --David Letterman
"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien
"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien
"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno
"This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of
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Lacking All Religion
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
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Murphy's Laws of Work
- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
- The longer the title, the less important the job.
- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
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Attractive Male Faces
UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and has a bat where the sun don't shine while he's on fire.
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For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
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Grace Of God
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, Peter meets him at the pearly gates. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."
"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"Come on in!"
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Genius!
A computer system technician worked at a law firm. One day, in the process of reconfiguring a user's computer, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her username and then asked her password to log back on.
Her password was "genius".
Each time he tried it, he received a message that stated the username or password was incorrect. Knowing that the username was correct, he asked her how to spell her password.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
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Goats in School
At a high School in
school. They let three goats loose in the school building.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2, 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.
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Anniversary Gift
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic
dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a
dessert and leave it waiting.
When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was
beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there
was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator.
We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we
wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean
the house."
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"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee
that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have
to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said,
'Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'"
-Jay Leno
***
"
States. Fine. I like
you can blow the head off it." -Dave Letterman