I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at
its destination in two days. Now you put a thirty-nine-cent stamp on a
letter and it can take five to six weeks to arrive. It's still only a penny
a day.
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his
glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil
knows you're dead!"
"What's that mean?" asks the girl.
"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."
"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"
The girl says, "That's French toast."
+++++++++++++++++++
A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her
birthday, but even what she's going to exchange it for.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Jury Excuse"
"Please, Your Honor, I'd like to be excused from jury duty," pleaded an anxious-looking man.
"Why should I excuse you?" asked the judge.
"You see, I owe a man fifty dollars, and he's leaving in a few hours for a post abroad. He'll be there for years and I want to catch him before he leaves, for it may be my last chance to repay him."
"Excused," stated the judge coldly. "We don't want anyone on the jury who can lie like that."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today is the first day of the rest of your life but so was yesterday and
look how you messed that up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
+++++++++++++++++++
Responsibility
While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant, telling his wife she needs to be more responsible about her belongings. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jets Fan
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!" The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!" After securing a promise that the dog will behave and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march down field stop at the 30,and kick a field goal. With that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five. The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?" "I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Backup
A police recruit was asked on an exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" In the blank, he wrote, "Call for backup."
+++++++++++++++++++
"The shuttle Endeavor is preparing for an 11-day mission next
week. Or as the astronauts call it, 'Road trip! Road trip!'"
-Jay Leno
***
"Bad day for Brangelina. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There
is a rumor that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up.
Here's my big chance! Call me Brad!" -Craig Ferguson
***
"Russia is claiming that it owns the North Pole. President
Bush is furious and said, 'That's ridiculous - everyone knows
the North Pole is owned by Santa.'" -Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Riding a power mower while doing grounds maintenance work in
Southern California, I usually wear several items to protect
myself, including safety glasses, dust mask, and cowboy hat
to keep the sun off.
One day as I walked into our shop at lunchtime, a co-worker
called out, "Look! It's the Lawn Ranger!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is still mad at me over a teensy misunderstanding
that occurred when our baby was born. She called me at work
and said her water had broken.
And I said, "So, call the plumber."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Collateral"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Confiscation"
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
+++++++++++++++++++
ShakespeareLibrarian to college football player: "May I help you?""I have to read a play by Shakespeare.""Which one?""William."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Guardian Angel”
A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further."
She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The big story in Washington D.C... not the war in Iraq, not
Alberto Gonzales lying to Congress, not healthcare... the
big story everyone is talking about, Hillary Clinton showing
a little cleavage. It's amazing isn't it? The United States
is 231 years old, but apparently the media is only 13."
-Jay Leno
***
"Russia sent a fleet of mini submarines down to the floor
of the Atlantic and they planted a flag at the North Pole.
I guess in the old days, you could plant a flag and you
could own things. But then they invented lawyers and every-
thing changed." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"This week, a group of Mexican officials crossed the border
into Texas to see how the U.S. handles immigration enforce-
ment. As soon as the Mexican officials arrived, they yelled,
'Suckers!' and headed for Los Angeles." -Conan O'Brien