Wednesday, March 23, 2005

hUMOR For March 23rd

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*Company Motivation Posters You Will Never See*
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) We put the "k" in "kwality."
5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity!
7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
8) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.
9) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
10) If at first you don't succeed, try management.
11) Never quit until you have another job.
12) The floggings will continue until morale improves.
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Here is today's CleanPun.
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.
They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to their estate.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."
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The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious!

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up
to eight pounds!"
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Little Johnny was reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book.
"Miss Howell?" Little Johnny asked his first grade teacher, "Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No Johnny," sighed the teacher. "But perhaps it should."
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Football Confession

Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on
Saturday during an important Nebraska/Notre Dame game. When one man had
finished his confession, the priest asked him, "Are you by any chance going
to be around the church for awhile?"

"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here
all afternoon."

"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and
keeping me posted on the game?"

"Sure thing."

Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my
last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing
and neither has Notre Dame."
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Upper Management

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure thing, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out of the place!

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee!"

The waiter says, "Whoa, mister! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck is all this about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
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Such Husbands
and the Art of Listening

The husband asked his wife what she'd like for her
birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he woke up early, got
up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then
took her off to Disneyland.

What a day! They went on every ride in the park. The Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
They drove to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie
to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a
soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a
fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his
precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about?
You dummy, I meant my dress size!"

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Thanks to G&L R: Tough Old Lady

The minister asked the congregation to raise their
hands if they had forgiven their enemies. About half
held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. Now about 80 percent
held up their hands.

He then repeated his question. All responded, except
one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Henry, are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Henry, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Henry, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the
aisle, turned to the congregation and said, "I
outlived them.”