Traffic StopA traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor trafficviolation. After examining her driver's license insilence for a moment, he said, "You know something?This is one of the finest, most realistic picturesI've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one ofthose vain women who have their photos retouched toremove all the lines in their face.""Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at mythumb-print."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to bereleased first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.12. You no longer think of speed limits as achallenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matterwho walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your eyes won't get much worse. 16. Your investment in health insurance is finallybeginning to pay off. 17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists thanthe national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends becausethey can't remember them either. 19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down tomanageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
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THE PRODIGAL SON (In the Key of 'F')Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellowforced his fond father to fork over the farthings andflew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune,feasting fabulously with faithless friends.Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, hefound himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard.Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his framewith foraged food from fodder fragments."Fooey! My father's flunkies fare finer," thefrazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facingfacts. Frustrated by failure and filled withforeboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Fallingat his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled, "Father,I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching,frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatlingfrom the flock and fix a feast.The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickleforgiveness of former folderol. But the faithfulfather figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but thefugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity?Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare"And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation forthe former fugitive's future faith and fortitude.
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Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."