"Ship Movie"
On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'
One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."
"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."
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CleanQuote
"One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been."
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Illustration - "Trail Talk"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
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Rest In Peace
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
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Amish Humor
Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
"CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"
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To Be Six Again
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
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Joy Ride
Some employees of an airplane manufacturing company decided to have some fun. They stole a life raft from the plane they were working on.
They successfully got it out and took it home without getting caught. Later they took it for a ride down the river. But soon they saw a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turns out that the helicopter was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that had activated when they inflated the raft.
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Big Mouth
A man called 911 and said, "Someone come quick! My wife fell
asleep on the couch with her mouth open and a mouse ran down
her throat!"
The operator replied, "Calm down, sir. Wave a piece of
cheese over her mouth and maybe the mouse will come out. An
ambulance is on the way."
When the ambulance arrived, the EMT found the man waving a
fish over his wife's mouth.
"What on earth are you doing?" exclaimed the EMT. "Didn't
the 911 operator tell you to wave a piece of cheese over
your wife's mouth?"
"Yes," the man replied. "But I gotta get the cat out first."
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"The highlight of my baseball career came in
Connie Mack Stadium when I saw a fan fall out of the upper
deck. When he got up and walked away the crowd booed."
--Bob Uecker
***
"Here's what caught my eye today: A
arrested for being drunk, high, and for wearing a skirt.
Why is that illegal? Where I am from in
see a guy drunk, stoned out of his mind, and wearing a
skirt, you say, 'Good morning, Grandpa!'" -Craig Ferguson
***
"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is
one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conver-
sationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."
-Lisa Kirk
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I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old
boat, a trailer and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he
loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."
Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them
for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd
sold everything.
"How did you manage that?" I marveled.
"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.'
When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor.
He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.
Bought that, too."
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