Saturday, June 25, 2011

Today's hUMOR

Doctors vs Lawyers

The doctors may have won the annual softball game between themselves
and their lawyer opponents, but they lost the public relations war.
Here's how the lawyers reported the game: "The lawyers powered their
way to a second place finish, while the doctors managed to finish
next to last."
 Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has ... oh,
disregard. I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit
calling you twin Cessna."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you
nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything?"

"Climb like your life depends on it ... because it does."

"Hello Flight 56, if you hear me, rock your wings."

"Ten Laws of Life"
1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)
2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)
3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)
6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Gotta Go!)
7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principle)
8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)
9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)
10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)
Pessimists are born, not made: Their blood type is B Negative.
One Liner
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought, which they avoid." ~Soren Kierkegaard
"Earring Rush"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'ld be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."