My wild oats have turned into bran flakes.
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Redneck Book of MannersAggressive tips from the 'Redneck Book of Manners'
General Tips1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs.3. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.Entertaining In Your Home1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table - no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (Outside The Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: “I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, “Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.”Theater Etiquette1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.Weddings1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.Driving Etiquette1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.6. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
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Be thankful that you don't already have everything you
desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.
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"Three Day Silence"
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
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Oneliner
"Rain is caused by big, high-pressure areas; cold fronts; warm, moist air; and the first day of your vacation."
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CleanPun - "RaPUNzel"
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:
I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the Brothers TRIMM.
When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.
I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!
The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, which was so tall the FOLLICLE you!
They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome, I would give them the BRUSH off.
I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.
One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to rescue me.
He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.
I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"
The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.
And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!
She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.
Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins.
But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were really CRIMPING my STYLE.
So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.
It came down to SPLITTING HEIRS so he took one twin and I took the other.
So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE REPEAT.
And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from BLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.
After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.
Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.
I bid you all ADO!
(By Tiff Wimberly)