Today's hUMOR

New Bicycle

I was visiting customers in their home one afternoon. While
I was talking to them, their four-year-old little girl,
whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and
excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle. Do you want to
see it?"

I said, "Sure, Michelle." So off to the backyard we went.
Upon getting there, I saw a brand-new girl's bicycle. "Wow,
Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle," I complimented. "Can
you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, and then with a sad face
she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong
with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it
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Holy cow, it's almost the weekend again! I have been so preoccupied this week I hardly even noticed it's Thursday already. They say the older you get the faster time seems to fly, and if that's true I must be an octogenarian.

I don't know if I need to slow down and smell the roses or speed up and get some things accomplished with my life before I'm too old or tired to accomplish them!

That's it. I'm motivated! This weekend, no matter how long it takes, I am going to finish Portal 2 on the Xbox.................................................................
Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left
on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box
until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned
safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
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"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

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CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

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One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

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CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

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"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

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