A Walking Economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend asks, "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
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Dangerous Food
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
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Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clearthe boss is no where in sightI logon to the web and start to surfand then my hair stands up with fright the footsteps coming down the hallare quickening in pacethere is no time to exitno way to save my face so I press the power buttonand relax just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hit I act all surpriseddon't know why my machine died"simply unpredictable thesecomputers are!" I cried "So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?
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For The Kids...
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?Cold cream! What game do cows play at parties?Moosical chairs! Why is it called a 'herd' of cattle?Well, have you 'herd' the sound they make! Why was the lamb told off for being rude?He would not say 'thank ewe' to his mum!
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The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the
table. "Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a
congregation of jackasses!"
The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved
brethren.'"
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A minister was preaching about the danger of drinking liquor. He showed the
congregation a clear glass with a piece of liver inside. He then poured beer
into the glass and said, "This is what will happen to your liver if you
drink."
An old alcoholic in he back of the church cried out, "I'll never eat liver
again!"
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Never buy a car you can't push.
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Bible Jokes
Q: Why was Adam a famous runner? A: Because he was first in the human race. Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?A: No the worms came in apples.
Q: Where do you find rain gear in the Bible?A: On the book of Goloshes. (Colossians). Q: How do you study the Bible?A: You Luke into it. Q: How do we know that Jesus raised cattle?A: Because he had a pair 'o' bulls (Parables). Q: How do we know that Jesus raised vegetables?A: Because he said. "Peas be upon you." (Peace be upon you). Q: How do we know that Jesus used fertilizer?A: Because he said, "Lettuce spray." (Let us pray). Q: How do we know that Jesus made coffee?A: It says so in the book of He Brews. (Hebrews). Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?A: Bildad the shoe-height, Knee-high Miah, and the man who fell asleep On His Watch. Q: Where did the murderer hide his weapon in the Bible?A: In the Book of Axe. (Acts). Q: How do you know when Enoch is at the door?A: 'E knocks. Q: What's the first Supreme Court case in the Bible?A: Joshua Judges Ruth. (Joshua, Judges, Ruth).
THE BROKEN TABLETS - ANOTHER VERSION
An angry God was standing at the foot of Mount Sinai. Moses had just descended. At the foot of the mountain lay the two tablets of the Ten Commandments, shattered in a thousand pieces. "What have you done?" demanded God. "Didn't I tell you to deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel?""Yes, Lord," said Moses. "But a man dressed in a brown robe in a flying brown chariot with gold letters on the side appeared to me at the top of the mountain. He told me he would deliver the Ten Commandments to the children of Israel. I thought you sent him.""I most certainly did not," said God. "What were the letters on the side of this chariot?"Moses stooped and wrote three letters in the sand. Pointing at them, he pronounced, "Oops" (UPS).
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?A. No, it was an apple.Q. At what time of day was Adam created?A. A little before Eve.
From: LaMonaInDet@aol.com
Some men were discussing the Bible. They were wondering how many apples Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden.First man: I think there was only one apple in the Garden. Second man: I think there were ten apples. Adam 8 and Eve ate 2. Third man: I think there were sixteen apples. Eve 8 and Adam 8 also. Fourth man: I think all three of you are wrong. If Eve 8 and Adam 82, that would be a total of 90 apples. Fifth man: You guys don't know how to add at all. According to history, Eve 81 and Adam 82. That would be a total of 163 apples. Sixth man: Wait a minute! If Eve 81 and Adam 812, that would make a total of 893 apples. Seventh man: None of you guys understand the problem in the slightest. According to my figuring, if Eve 814 Adam and Adam 8124 Eve, that would be a total of 8,938 apples in the garden. At that point all of the men gave up.
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?A. As long as he was Abel. Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. The Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Q. Which animal on Noah's Ark had the highest level of intelligence?A. The giraffe.Q. Why did Noah have to punish and discipline the chickens on the Ark?A. Because they were using "fowl" language.Q. On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?A. Quackers.Q. When was the first meat mentioned in the Bible?A. When Noah took Ham into the ark.Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.