hUMOR For Feb 23rd

"The government is now going to hand out rebate checks to

try to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news

is, half the people want the money in euros, and half want

the money in pesos." -Jay Leno

***

"It's National Pancake Day! To celebrate, the International

House of Pancakes is giving away pancakes until 10 p.m. I

went earlier but someone had eaten all the pancakes. Damn

you, Drew Carey!" -Craig Ferguson

***

"Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and

Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says

having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other

words, if you don't laugh at this monologue tonight, you're

going to die." -Jimmy Kimmel

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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of

financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to

see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized

our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

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For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel

known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reser-

vations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special

occasion?"

"Yes," I replied." It's our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.

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Love Quote

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

-George Sand

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he newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

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Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the
application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you
do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in
his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato
crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday
earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have
succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you
had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an
office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire..........

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Missing Bar Code

I was checking out at the local grocery store with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed together.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, he said to me "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to him, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

He said "OK" and I paid him for the things and left.

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The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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CleanQuote

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
- Martin Luther

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Illustration - "Romance"

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

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Stereograms

It may sound like someone has mailed you a new stereo system, but a stereogram is actually a 3 dimensional image you can see if you relax your eyes a certain way. The first time I ever saw one of these was when I lived in Toronto. I was walking along in the Sherway Centre and saw some art hanging in the window of one of those stores that features unique educational games and oddities. All the picture looked like was a hanging of scribbles, but it was titled "Space Shuttle." Next to it was a similar one called "Wolves." I thought for sure someone had flipped their mind, but then I'm not that art minded so I figured "whatever." It wasn't until later on when someone gave me a book of stereograms that I realized it wasn't some kind of modern art that had me mystified in the mall. I hesitate to present these here because inevitably someone will give up trying to see the "hidden" image and accuse me of messing with their minds. I merely want to mess with your eyes.

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Redneck Church

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows

how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether

the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to

catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up

the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official

church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his

4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole

it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last

names in the church directory.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift

something too heavy.