"Kitchen Help"
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
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A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with
his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope. The teacher
explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."
A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a
baseball team pick the next Pope?"
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Many are driving long distances this summer on vacation and thought you
should enjoy singing some wonderful old hymns that relate to each mark on
your speedometer.
50 mph = "Standing on the Promises"
60 mph = "God Will Take Care of You"
70 mph = "Nearer My God, to Thee"
80 mph = "This World is not my Home"
90 mph = "Lord, I'm Coming Home"
100 mph = "Precious Memories"
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ROTC Summer Camp
At ROTC (Reserve Officers' Training Corps) summer camp at an Air
Force Base in Florida, we were nervous about our approaching survival
training, for we would be pitching our tents in a snake-infested swamp.
Our instructor, advising us on the treatment of snake bites,
explained that the venom of rattlesnakes, copperheads and water
moccasins affected the circulatory system. Their bites were to be
treated with tourniquets, incisions and suction. The poison of the
coral snake, on the other hand, affected the nervous system. At this
point he closed his manual.
"Sir," asked a cadet, "what do we do if a coral snake bites one of us?"
"Turn to page A1-7 in your manuals."
There was a flurry of activity as we flipped through the guides. When
we looked up, our smiles were sickly. Page A1-7 consisted entirely of
interdenominational prayers.
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... they're still funny. Shows how important proof reading can be!
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The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PMat the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"