A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot
"OLD" IS WHEN . A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
"OLD" IS WHEN . Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN . You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along
"OLD" IS WHEN . You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
"OLD" IS WHEN ."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN . "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN . An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
"OLD" IS WHEN . You are not sure these are jokes?
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Origin Of The Species
Little Phillip asked his mother, "How did the human race come about?"
Schar answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later he asked his father, Dan, the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused Phil returns to his mother and says:
"Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
Schar answers: "Well dear, it's very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his."
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Danny's mother looked out the window and noticed
him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat
sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work.
A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing
and ran back to the open window to see Danny
baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
She called out, "Danny, stop that! The cat is afraid
of water!"
Danny looked up at her and said, "He should have
thought about that before he joined my church."
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Serious "Medical" Condition
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
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"Wallet Tip"
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
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CleanQuote
When I had my 50th birthday my husband said to me "I should trade you in for two 25 year olds." I replied "Thank you for the compliment." With a stunned look on his face, he said "HUH?" I responded "You are telling me it would take two women half my age to accomplish what I do."
- Roberta Gleason
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Speedy Plumber
A lady answers her front door to find a plumber standing there.
"I'm here to fix the leaky pipe."
"I didn't call a plumber."
"Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"
"The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago."
"How do you like that! They call you up and tell you it's an
emergency and then they move away!"
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Air Traffic (out of) Control
During a taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a
United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed
out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are
you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way;
you turned right on 'Delta.' Stop right there. I know it's
difficult to tell the difference between a C and a D, but
get it right."
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll
take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and
don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive
taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly
silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and
asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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"According to USA Today, Starbucks in going to market an
energy drink. It's for people who get tired while waiting
in line at Starbucks." --Conan O'Brien
***
"It's time to pay your income tax. My accountant wants me
to move the show to the
***
"John McCain is in
president would be to introduce the Iraqi people to the
concept of the early bird special." -Jay Leno
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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window
and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I
also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much
money."
I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a
dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat
my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and
said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
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The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a
kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant,
a spleen transplant, a pancreas transplant..."
"What on Earth makes you think you need all those?"
"Well," replied the patient, "My boss said if I want to keep
my job I needed to get reorganized."