Social Worker
A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."
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Experiment
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching? Through the eyes of a child…Children's Bible in a Nutshell:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Fairisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Fairisees and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Bewildered
My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic
training and was on leave prior to his first tour in
brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air
base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we
offered to take him.
When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's
fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while
my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony
approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their
dumbfounded stares.
Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two
brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private
arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant
carrying his bags!
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"Office Visit"
A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.
The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."
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CleanQuote
"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."
- H L Mencken
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Illustration - "Odd Facts"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. What distinguishes "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you found the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on what day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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Chow Time
During an Army Reserve unit's annual training, the battalion commander was upset that evening chow was late. He called the mess hall, and the mass sergeant explained that because their vehicle broke down, they couldn't deliver the field rations to our bivouac site.
The commander immediately yelled to his driver, "Private! Drive to the mess hall and get chow!" The private took off on the 15-minute trip. Over an hour later, we were dismayed to see him return empty-handed.
"Private!" demanded the commander. "What about chow?"
"It was delicious, sir." replied the driver. "I got there right before the mess hall closed, so I got seconds."
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New Fathers
A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse
beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"
Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and said, "Hey, what's
the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"
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Forgiveness
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom
chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that
up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've
forgiven and forgotten."
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Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her
21-year-old roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932
Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad
about that?"
"He was the original owner."
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flooding in the
Got this in an email, it did not originate with me. But I do agree!!
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Just a personal observation...as I watched the news coverage of the massive flooding in the Midwest with over 100 blocks of the city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa under water, levees breaking, and the attention now turned downstream for when this massive amount of water hits the Mississippi, what amazed me is not what we saw, but what we didn't see...
1. We don't see looting.
2. We don't see street violence.
3. We don't see people sitting on their rooftops waiting for the government to come and save them.
4. We don't see people waiting on the government to do anything.
5. We don't see
6. We don't see people blaming President Bush.
7. We don't see people ignoring evacuation orders.
8. We don't see people blaming a government conspiracy to blow up the levees as the reason some have not held.
9. We don't see the
10. We don't see the Mayors of any of these cities complaining about the lack of state or federal response.
11. We don't see or hear reports of the police going around confiscating personal firearms so only the criminal will be armed.
12. We don't see gangs of people going around and randomly shooting at the rescue workers.
13. You don't see some leaders in this country blaming the bad behavior of the
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Must be a midwest thing