hUMOR For May 30th

Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I
handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I
sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Irish Alzheimer's
Making atonement for a broken commandment...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Great Price

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Serving Lawyers

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Domain Names

Recently Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon.

But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them..

".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner

".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company

".love"--for people who would rather cuddle

".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines

".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean

".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996

".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world

".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer

".*"--contains gossip about celebrity melt downs

".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheaper Alternative

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Married 25 Years

When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife

one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented

house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a

19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night

with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed,

and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a

50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding

up your side of things."

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out

and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure

that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a

19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'Gas can' turns out to hold orange juice

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Melbourne, Fla., went after a man seen heading into the woods Tuesday with a gas can that proved to hold only orange juice.

A passerby reported the sighting and told police the man was carrying a 5-gallon can of gas, Florida Today reported. Police went looking for the man, found him and discovered the container's contents were not combustible.

Police in the area are nervous about brush fires and the possibility of arson. At least nine were burning in Palm Bay, just southwest of Melbourne. Investigators believe they were deliberately set.

///

'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

///

Scientists probe odd Greenland sharks

DARTMOUTH, Nova Scotia (UPI) -- Canadian scientists are waging a research campaign on Greenland sharks, which are almost opposite of any other shark and described as "very, very strange."

Steve Campana of the Bedford Institute of Oceanography in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, and Aaron Fisk of the University of Windsor, Ontario, traveled to the Arctic in April to tag and release the sharks, the Ottawa Citizen reported.

Among the few things known about the Greenland shark is that it has almost no spine, is slow-moving and lethargic and its mouth is far under its body, Campana said. Researchers learned from local Inuit aboriginal people its meat is poisonous, the report said.

"These are very, very strange sharks," Campana said. "They are really the antithesis to the fast-swimming great white and mako (sharks)."

He said they can grow to 30 feet in length, and also have hundreds of razor-sharp teeth as seen when researchers found dead sharks and opened their stomachs.

"Every single one was jam-packed with food. A lot of it was large fish" but he said there were also baby seals.

///

Australian safety official loses license

SYDNEY (UPI) -- The minister in charge of road safety in the Australian state of New South Wales announced Tuesday his license is about to be suspended for speeding.

John Della Bosca, the state education minister, told reporters he did not try to bury the news by making the announcement on the same day as the release of the federal budget, The Sydney Morning Herald reported. He admitted he is a serial offender who was put over the limit for revocation in late April when he was clocked coming out of a tunnel at more than 10 mph over the posted limit.

He acknowledged he only told the Roads and Traffic Authority on Tuesday that he was the driver of the offending car. Della Bosca is also industrial relations minister, which puts him in charge of the motor accidents authority.

Barry O'Farrell, the opposition leader in New South Wales, lampooned Della Bosca at a news conference Tuesday by raising his pinky finger in front of reporters. The gesture is used in a road safety commercial to suggest that men who violate traffic rules are not well endowed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Interesting Product Ideas

Porsche is working on a hybrid SUV. A hybrid SUV with the Porsche name. Perfect for a man in his midlife crisis who is married to a soccer mom.

A Porsche hybrid SUV sounds as marketable as a Hummer moped.

hUMOR For May 30th

Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I
handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I
sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine

started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic

little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's

funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly,

"It wasn't opportunity."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Irish Alzheimer's
Making atonement for a broken commandment...

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all.”

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, “No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Great Price

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady s house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Serving Lawyers

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Domain Names

Recently Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating specialdomains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon.

But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them..

".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner

".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company

".love"--for people who would rather cuddle

".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines

".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean

".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996

".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world

".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer

".*"--contains gossip about celebrity melt downs

".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cheaper Alternative

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so? How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Married 25 Years

When a man was married 25 years, he took a look at his wife

one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap rented

house and a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a

19-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night

with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

"Now we have an $800,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice bed,

and a plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a

50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding

up your side of things."

His wife, being a very reasonable woman, told him to go out

and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure

that he would once again be living in a cheap rented house,

driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a

19-inch black-and-white TV, if he was lucky.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

'Gas can' turns out to hold orange juice

MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Melbourne, Fla., went after a man seen heading into the woods Tuesday with a gas can that proved to hold only orange juice.

A passerby reported the sighting and told police the man was carrying a 5-gallon can of gas, Florida Today reported. Police went looking for the man, found him and discovered the container's contents were not combustible.

Police in the area are nervous about brush fires and the possibility of arson. At least nine were burning in Palm Bay, just southwest of Melbourne. Investigators believe they were deliberately set.

///

'Rickroll' prank comes to Baltimore

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- Almost 50 people sang the lyrics of British pop star Rick Astley in Baltimore during the weekend as part of a "rickroll" prank, fans say.

Fans either sing or redirect Internet browsers to recognize Astley's 1980s hit song, "Never Gonna Give You Up." The Baltimore Sun said Sunday.

"I'm in love with this song," said Ryan Goff, who organized the "rickroll" event Saturday at the city's Inner Harbor. "I thought I'd be absolutely sick of it, but I like it more. I'm working on singing it backward."

Traditionally a "rickroll" takes place online when unsuspecting browsers click on a serious-sounding link only to watch a video of Astley singing his hit.

For Goff, and others like him, the online bit was not enough. Soon Astley fans were taking to the streets to share their love of the pop star with strangers, the Sun reported.

"It's grass roots; you've got to make the best of it," Goff said. "It's all in the spirit of Rick."

///

Scientists probe odd Greenland sharks

DARTMOUTH, Nova Scotia (UPI) -- Canadian scientists are waging a research campaign on Greenland sharks, which are almost opposite of any other shark and described as "very, very strange."

Steve Campana of the Bedford Institute of Oceanography in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, and Aaron Fisk of the University of Windsor, Ontario, traveled to the Arctic in April to tag and release the sharks, the Ottawa Citizen reported.

Among the few things known about the Greenland shark is that it has almost no spine, is slow-moving and lethargic and its mouth is far under its body, Campana said. Researchers learned from local Inuit aboriginal people its meat is poisonous, the report said.

"These are very, very strange sharks," Campana said. "They are really the antithesis to the fast-swimming great white and mako (sharks)."

He said they can grow to 30 feet in length, and also have hundreds of razor-sharp teeth as seen when researchers found dead sharks and opened their stomachs.

"Every single one was jam-packed with food. A lot of it was large fish" but he said there were also baby seals.

///

Australian safety official loses license

SYDNEY (UPI) -- The minister in charge of road safety in the Australian state of New South Wales announced Tuesday his license is about to be suspended for speeding.

John Della Bosca, the state education minister, told reporters he did not try to bury the news by making the announcement on the same day as the release of the federal budget, The Sydney Morning Herald reported. He admitted he is a serial offender who was put over the limit for revocation in late April when he was clocked coming out of a tunnel at more than 10 mph over the posted limit.

He acknowledged he only told the Roads and Traffic Authority on Tuesday that he was the driver of the offending car. Della Bosca is also industrial relations minister, which puts him in charge of the motor accidents authority.

Barry O'Farrell, the opposition leader in New South Wales, lampooned Della Bosca at a news conference Tuesday by raising his pinky finger in front of reporters. The gesture is used in a road safety commercial to suggest that men who violate traffic rules are not well endowed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Interesting Product Ideas

Porsche is working on a hybrid SUV. A hybrid SUV with the Porsche name. Perfect for a man in his midlife crisis who is married to a soccer mom.

A Porsche hybrid SUV sounds as marketable as a Hummer moped.