hUMOR For July 31st

Weird News

Man, 89, completes first skydive

OMAHA (UPI) -- An 89-year-old Omaha man who went skydiving for the first time last week said he had wanted to jump ever since his son and grandson told him how great it was.

Howard Hanson jumped with his son, Dale, and grandson, Michael, at an altitude of 13,000 feet -- after a day of training at Plattsmouth Municipal Airport, in Plattsmouth, Neb., KETV, Omaha, reported.

He said got the bug after Dale Hanson made his fist jump last year.

"When you're sailing, just floating before the parachute opens, that's the wonderful part of it," Howard Hanson said.

Dale Hanson shot the grand event with a helmet camera.

///

Fake landlord rented out home

SILVER SPRINGS SHORES, Fla. (UPI) -- A Florida man says he discovered he was making payments for several months to a man who rented him a home the purported landlord did not own.

Carl Kopsho of Silver Springs Shores said he began paying $800 per month to the man who rented him the home in February, only to be told by Marion County Sheriff's deputies Wednesday the man did not own the house, the Ocala (Fla.) Star-Banner reported.

Kopsho said he met the man, who used the name Tyrone Grain, at a gas station in January while talking to a friend about his search for a new home. He said Grain told him he was in the process of a divorce and was seeking to rent out the house.

However, the house actually belongs to Sebastian Wagner, a man who lives in New York.

Authorities have yet to track down Grain, who Kopsho said had only accepted his rent payments in cash.

Kopsho said he is hoping Wagner will allow him to continue to rent the home, as he has already painted the walls and made plans to install new cabinets.

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Taking Down the Flag

My husband was serving his last few years of military

service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were

three branches of military reserve units at our last duty

station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were

assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which

is a very formal affair to watch.

One day my husband and his buddy marched solemnly out to the

flag pole and saluted the flag. Then his buddy begin to haul

the flag down. After a minute of this and not seeing a flag

come down, they both looked up.

The flag had already been taken down.

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The Voice

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

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A Plausible Explanation

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam no. I did that so that she could love you."

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Ten Years Without Parole

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum! Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."

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Lessons in Life

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.

SON - What's up, Dad?

DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully,that I scratched the car.

DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

DAD - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?

SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox?

SON - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

DAD - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox?

SON - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

DAD - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact?

SON - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

DAD - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?

SON - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

DAD - Where in the heck did you learn to be such a liar?

SON - From The President of the United States.

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"I had a good weekend. Guillermo and Uncle Frank came over

and I smoked a roast in my smoker. I smoked it for 12 hours.

Fifteen pounds of roast, 15 guys there, one three pound dog,

and not one scrap left. We ate the dog, too, when we were

finished." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"This is a great opportunity to let the audience into my

private world. You guys don't know who the real guy is. So

I'm going to give you some fun facts right now. I'm 6 foot

4. I weigh 178 pounds. For an hour after I was born, doctors

thought that I was a baby girl. The light was very good; I

still don't understand." -Conan O'Brien

***

"This year, the Immigration and Naturalization Service has

raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. It now costs about

$700. You know how much the Immigration and Naturalization

Service expects to make this year from people becoming U.S.

citizens? Over $1,400." -Jay Leno

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A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska

for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He

kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log

cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog

team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civil-

ization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

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My son is the manager of a glass and window company and ad-

vertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good

glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who

called about the job said he had over 10 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

hUMOR For July 30th

'I Hope You Dance... '

This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.

*The last line says it all. *

Dear Bertha,

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank.

"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now

I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.

Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.

Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance

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Golf Nut

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"My parents told me, 'Finish your dinner. People in China

and India are starving.' I tell my daughters, 'Finish your

homework. People in India and China are starving for your

job.'" -Thomas Friedman

***

"Historians just found a document that showed a list of

liquor George Washington wanted for his New York head-

quarters, including a keg of brandy, a box of claret, a

box of fortified wine, a basket of cordials and two kinds

of cheese. So not only was George Washington the father of

our country, he also invented the mini-bar." -Jimmy Kimmel

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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call

the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice

deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.

So she waited until her parents had left for work and called

the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it

to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."

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A sad Bassett Hound was relating his troubles to his friend.

"I'm really depressed all the time and I think negative

thoughts. I'm always bored, I feel listless and I am always

tired."

"Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend.

"Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm

not allowed on the couch.

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Warranty Claim

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

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Warranty

An angry client went back to the automobile garage where he'd purchased an expensive battery for his car six months earlier.

"Listen," the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"

"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

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Bath Note

Dear Kids,

Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve
soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing
myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than
I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects,
but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in
the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of
wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I
promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.
I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter
what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be
plenty of time later to tell me about your day.

"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and
contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important
things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a
new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom
door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a
message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need
to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your
brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with
telephone number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between
the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano
with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your
lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.

Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it
more this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful.
I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the
bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to
think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do
not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does
it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to
get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the
place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken
glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there
is an emergency.

Emergencies ARE:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There's a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are NOT:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper
for a towel does not make me happy. In the future, when the tub
overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in
the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay?
No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while
I'm standing in the pool of water you missed.

By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time.
Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the
coffee table.

I'll be out soon. Maybe.

Love,
Your Mom

hUMOR For July 29th

The Congregation Replied

Down in the South, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation
naturally replies.

One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the
church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better,
it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it
walk, Preacher, let it walk."

Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is
going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances
and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, Preacher, let it run!"

Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church
really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and
fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"
the congregation shouts.

The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"

The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."

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"Larry King announced that he's going to write an autobio-

graphy titled 'What Am I Doing Here?' Larry says that if

the book sells, he's got plans for several sequels including,

'What Day is This? and Where Are My Pants?'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"I want to get this off my chest: For the past 20 years,

I have been using performance-enhancing vodka."

-David Letterman

***

"I got a good tip from my stockbroker the other day. He

said, 'For only 39 cents, I can super size those fries for

you.'" -Jay Leno

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My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten

it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living

room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV

much because it would shut off after a while. After checking

out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep

timer set for 90 minutes!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker

that said "Honk if you love Jesus." I honked.

The driver leaned out his window, flipped me the bird, and

yelled, "Can't you see the light is still red, you moron?"

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Seat Belt

I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt.

She asked, "Do I click the square?"

I said, "Yes."

She asked me, "Single click or double click?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Experts doubt record-breaking turtle claim

OKLAHOMA CITY (UPI) -- A man who captured a 103-pound turtle argues the animal is of record-breaking size, but experts say they doubt his claim is warranted.

Jim McKnight was fishing for bass in southeast Oklahoma when he hooked the large turtle, The Oklahoman reported.

McKnight has gotten in touch with members of the media on several occasions and provided photos of the turtle to prove it is a record-breaker, the newspaper said.

McKnight told reporters a local game warden said it is a typical snapping turtle, but it weighs 35 pounds more than any other snapping turtle of its kind on record.

Wildlife diversity biologist Mark Howery has seen pictures of the animal and insists it is not a regular snapping turtle, but an alligator snapping turtle instead, which can often weigh much more than 103 pounds.

"This has to be an alligator snapping turtle just looking at it. It's not a record alligator snapping turtle, but it's still unusual ... we don't get very many reports of alligator snapping turtles," Howery said.

///

Model T cars roll into Indiana town

RICHMOND, Ind. (UPI) -- Car enthusiasts are celebrating the centennial of the Model T, which was built by Ford from 1908 to 1927 and is among the top-selling vehicles of all time.

The Model T Ford Club is gathering in Richmond, Ind., for a weeklong celebration, the Detroit Free Press reported.

The newspaper said Model T Runabouts, Roadsters, Speedsters, Touring cars and the like are coming to town from 44 states -- and from countries including Australia, Canada, England, France, Germany, Norway, New Zealand, Portugal and Brazil.

Model T owners Chuck and Ginger Mitchell of St. Clair Shores, Mich., said they have been making plans for years to attend the event.

"If you want to have fun in an old car, the Model T is it," said Chuck Mitchell, 65, who is a volunteer Model T mechanic. He was planning to haul his 1925 Model T Roadster to Richmond Saturday.

The celebration in Richmond is being billed as "The World's Largest Gathering of Model T's."

///

Woman pays $1,000 to rescue lobster

SHEDIAC, New Brunswick (UPI) -- A Canadian woman says she plans to release a giant lobster after she paid $1,000 to rescue the crustacean from a fish market.

Laura-Leah Shaw purchased the 22-pound lobster, named Big Dee-Dee, from the Big Fish seafood market in Shediac, New Brunswick, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. reported.

The report said two unnamed Ontario groups contributed $1,000 each to rescue the animal, which is thought to be 100 years old.

Big Fish was auctioning Big Dee Dee for an opening price of $1,000, the report said.

Denis Breau, owner of the fish market, said at least 1,000 people visited Big Fish to catch a glimpse of Big Dee Dee, who was caught in the beginning of July.

Shaw said she would travel to the Maritimes region of eastern Canada Monday to let Big Dee Dee go into the wild, but officials said the lobster would need to undergo a health inspection before it is released, to check for diseases.

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Mad Cow

Two cows are conversing in a field. The first one says to

the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that

is going around?"

The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about

it; I'm an airplane!"

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Value Added Chicken

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

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Driving Offense

The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

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You Know You've Booked a Cheap Flight When?

As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is frowning and wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

The Captain announces over the intercom the Flight is delayed while he looks for his keys.

The Airline mechanics, wearing propeller beanies, seem to be pointing and laughing an awful lot, and drinking something from inside brown paper bags.

The Ground Crew are seen using pennies to check tyre wear

A man with an oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty coveralls, and sadly shaking his head, turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

A voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in motion.

Jumper Cables are dangling from the door to the cockpit.

A man in clerical garb walks thru the plane, sprinkles all the passengers with water, mumbling something in Latin & exits.

A telephone with a really long cord connects the plane to the control tower.

hUMOR For July 28th

Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.

The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the

earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."

The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,

"Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them

aimed at themselves."

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"Angelina Jolie decided to name her new son Knox because it

ends in the letter x just like her other sons Maddox and

Pax. Jolie better not have any more sons because the only

two names left are Xerox and Ex-Lax." -Conan O'Brien

***

"It was revealed today that Barrack Obama has been secretly

interviewing candidates for Vice President while he works

out in the gym. Screening people at the gym can only mean

one thing - our next VP, definitely not Al Gore."

--Craig Ferguson

***

"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can

improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword

puzzles, eating more fish ­ I can't remember all that."

--Dave Letterman

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Microsoft Cafe

Customer: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Customer: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Customer: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Customer: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Customer: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.]

Customer: Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

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Sick Leave

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

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A food store's complimentary policy

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it.

The first nun replied that she could handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said, “We use beer for washing our hair - a sort of shampoo, if you will.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzels and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

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Sleeping Rough

A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

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Presidential Accident

One day the president was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. President.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful president.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

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Truth in Youth

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The copper said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and football!"

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Getting Used to It

You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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Zookeeper's Dilemma

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so

he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he

didn't know the plural of "mongoose."

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two

mongeese."

No, that wouldn't work, so he tried again: "To whom it may

concern, I need two mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a

mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."

hUMOR For July 27th

"Fasten Your Seat Belts"

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"

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CleanQuote

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end."
- Gilda Radner

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Illustration - "The World's Most-Used Lies:"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The World's Most-Used Lies:

+ It's a good thing you came in today. It's the last one we have.

+ You made it yourself? I would have never guessed.

+ Go ahead and tell me, I won't tell another soul.

+ It's delicious but I can't eat another bit.

+ The doctor will call you right back.

+ You don't look a day over 50.

+ Your baby is just beautiful.

+ Put the map away. I know where we're at.

+ Having a great time. Wish you were here!

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Loopholes

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

He shouted "I'm looking for loopholes!"

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Her First Deer

As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.

He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

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Car Thief

A little old lady comes out of the mall and coming towards her car she sees four guys just jumping into it.

She screamed "NOOOO" and pulled a small pistol out of her purse and said: " Dont make me use this!"

The four young guys JUMPED out and ran off.

The little ladie then proceded into the car and after driving a few minutes realised " hey this ISNT my car" so she turned around and went back to the mall to put it back.

She then got in her REAL car and went down to the police station to report that 4 guys were trying to steal someone elses car. At the police station she sees the SAME four guys and hears one of them shouting:

"A LITTLE OLD LADY JUST PULLED A GUN AND STOLE OUR CAR !"

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Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

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You are a Lousy Cook if...

Your family automatically heads for the table every time

they hear a fire alarm.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"

tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the

family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your

toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting

him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright

purple.

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Football Try-Outs

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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Psychology

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

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Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

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A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking

hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small

piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.

"Speak!" she said to the dog.

The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know

what to say!"

hUMOR For July 26th

A Man's Disease

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do. When the examination was
complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English
what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Children At Play

As newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at

our apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb

children's playground next door. My wife organized games

outdoors for our eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter

and activity drew other children, until about thirty kids

were playing and clamoring for my wife's attention. After

three hours, she called it quits.

The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two

boys knocked on our patio door and asked if our children

could come out and play. I told them we had no children; our

nieces and nephews had just been visiting. Looking

momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they

asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"

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"A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers

of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a shame because if

they had waited until happy hour they could have paid half

that." -Conan O'Brien

***

"President Bush has proposed sweeping immigration changes,

which is pretty amazing when you consider before he became

president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest form

of flattery." --Jay Leno

***

"Did you barbeque today? Over 100 million Americans barbequed

today ­ because the polar ice caps just aren't melting fast

enough!" --Dave Letterman

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A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once

all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the

scene - what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley was in the mixing room,

and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light

up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said

in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match

in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the

last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market

when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim

advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of,

etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George

should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later

sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!

Now send me some "retrievers!"

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Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market

when George expressed a desire to give it a try. Jim

advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of,

etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George

should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the winds and six months later

sent an email to Jim, "So much for your darn "pointers!

Now send me some "retrievers!"

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Car Thieves

A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Holiday Spirit

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

It was embarrassing - The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Cow Dealer

A farmer had been ripped-off several times by the local car dealer.

One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

Basic cow	$499.95
Shipping and handling	$35.75
Extra stomach	$79.25
Two tone exterior	$142.10
Produce storage compartment	$126.50
Heavy duty straw chopper	$189.60
Four spigot/high output drain system	$149.20
Automatic fly swatter	$88.50
Genuine cowhide upholstery	$179.90
Deluxe dual horns	$59.25
Automatic fertilizer attachment	$339.40
4 x 4 traction drive assembly	$884.16
Pre-delivery wash and comb	$69.80
FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE:	$2843.36
Additional dealer adjustments:	$300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (Including options):	$3143.36

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Men!

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of
the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

If men would only listen.

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Shaking Hands

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

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Government Employee

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for a beautiful castle right now!"

Shazaaam! He has a beautiful castle.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women."

Shazaam! He is on an island surrounded by gorgeous women.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

Shazaam! He's back in his government office.

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Arriving Early

The boss came in early one morning and found his manager kissing his beautiful secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, I'm doing this free of charge."

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Trucker's Revenge

A trucker was sitting at the lunch counter eating his morning eggs and hash browns when some bikers walked in.

One walked up and put his finger in the trucker's coffee and said, "That's not very hot, is it?"

Another put his finger in the trucker's scrambled eggs and said, "Not very fluffy, either, huh?"

After a few moments of silence, the trucker stood up, paid his bill and left the diner. "Not much of a man, was he?" said the first biker to the waitress.

"You're right about that," she replied, "and not much of a driver either. He just ran over a bunch of motorcycles.