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From a friend...
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped
up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the
time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: " And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A
hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer,
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore,
can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my
friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's
license!
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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her
will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdale's.
"Bloomingdale's?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why
Bloomingdale's?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its
state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've
got a heart murmur. Be careful...
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In the long tradition of political correctness and
sensitivity that has so characterized all of our
jokes, we offer this one (sent our way by PW)...
WHY IS IT THAT???
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to support
you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of
those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a
clock on the oven.
Why do men have more pressure than women? Because
women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that
won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding
ring, Suffer-Ring.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.