Whose Birthday?
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..."
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Don't Have Anything
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?" "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out." The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?" "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager. The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?" The manager shrugs, "Sorry. Don't have that." "My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the store!" The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
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Traditional Roles
Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives. She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
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Third Baby
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
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The inside word is that Obama went back and forth with Joe
Biden and Virginia Gov. Tim Kane. Ultimately, it came down
to a game of Barack-paper-scissors." -Jimmy Kimmel
***
"The air quality in New York is getting worse and worse. I
was walking thought Central Park during my lunch hour and,
honest to God, you could hear the birds coughing."
-Dave Letterman
***
"Welcome to the historic Orpheum Theatre. When people ask me
how to get here, I tell them walk down to Market Street and
when you get scared, it's another four blocks. When you get
stabbed, you know you've arrived." -Conan O'Brien
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A couple moved to the country when they retired. One mild
winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the
garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse
repellants, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind
of sound that drives off mice. The husband was showing it
to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal
repellant. He told her that it worked on every thing from
mice to elephants.
"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a
bit skeptical.
"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a
couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant
in the garage the whole time!"
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It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at
the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came
up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do
to change the address on my account?"
Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move."
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"Dear Dog"
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
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Oneliner
"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"
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CleanPun - "Booty"
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for.
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!
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Teenage CelebrationDining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera."Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?""Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
”Car Repair”
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"
-- Bonus Content --
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
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The River
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river." And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!" As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:" "Shall We Gather at the River."
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No Tantrums
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."