Some Vague Thoughts
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California - WAS HIS Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills - Making the last car payment. The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week. If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it. Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rare birds
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
+++++++++++++++++++
Egg Jokes
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe? Answer: She wanted to hachet Question: What do you call a egg who’s done lots of things? Answer: An egg who has a lot of eggsperience. Question: Where do you find information about eggs? Answer: In the hen-cyclopedia Question: Why is the chef so mean? Answer: She beats the eggs! Question: Did you hear the one about the egg? Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be! Question: How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it? Answer: By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
+++++++++++++++++++
$100 bill
I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. "Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy. "But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned. "I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lesson in Marketing
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome -
one has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of
David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the
beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes
over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My
poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic
country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't
going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside
a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give
to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."
+++++++++++++++++++
AMUSING QUOTE
"A synonym is a word used if you can't spell the other one."
+++++++++++++++++++
BUB Interprets that FAMOUS Canadian phrase *EH*!
Subject: Understanding CanadiansIt has come to my attention that some people are having a toughtime understanding Canadians like myself. So I am going to run througha very brief translation of the Canadian dialect and hopefullyease some minds out there.EH= pronounced AY (similar but not the same as huh)Eh is a useful word that is very important and is the basis of all Canadiancommunications.It is used in conjunction with other words, or simply byitself. The tone or the slight difference in exclamations also changesthe meaning.Eh= what did you say?Eh?= what do you thinkEH?= something to say just to end a sentenceEh!!= WOW!!EH!?= what do you mean?Eh??= your joking!!!??EH!!= Hello..you off in the distance!!!Eh?= want a donut?Eh!= sure!!Eh!Eh!= coffee double cream too please!Eh?= what you say when you realize you have no money to pay for itEh..cmon eh?= asking them to let you pay for it next time.hey..eh!= want to go to the drive in movie??Eh...uhuh= yes sure!Eh..y'know= Ill pick you up at 8Eh..cmon!!= well thats early..but okEh..wanna?eh?= lets fool aroundEHHHHHHH= sounds coming from the carhey..um..er eh...= Im pregnantEH?????????= how did that happen?EHHehhEHHehhEHHH= sounds from the delivery roomEHHH ehh EHHH ehh= babys first cryEhh..whadya think eh?= marry meother usefel terms:hoser= a good friend..take off!= you are kidding,no way,fly an airplaneskates= what all canadians wear as first shoes(thats why we walk funny)lumberjack= something in our genes..screech= a nice drinkswish= a drink made from leftover screech barrelsThe Rock= NewfoundlandNewfoundland= pronounced noofunlanDory= Newfoundland cruise linerToronto= pronounced TrawnaLake Ontario= where all sewers drain intoYukon= a drinkTwo Four= case of beersixty pounder= large bottle of screechOver by= still havent deciphered that term yetThe Canadian citizenship test:spell canada= C eh N eh D ehwho was the first Prime Minister=Sir John EH MacdonaldSo if you hear me talking like this.Hey..eh..cmon eh hoser!y'know take off!!EH??umm err well hey ok eh!it's friendly!8-)bub
+++++++++++++++++++Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.
+++++++++++++++++++
FOOD SPOILAGE TEST
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from
what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled
when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing
but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is
spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting
problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or
wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away
perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps
you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is
spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread.
Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good
indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball
should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick,
but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a
hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
+++++++++++++++++++
Florida April 30th:Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is astate that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmyevenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket.It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. May 14th:Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in anair-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure tosee the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshiper. June 5th:Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of Palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! July 1st:The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where arethose ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it willtake a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have toremember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one ofthose fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for myhands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like. July 15th:Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lessonthough: got to respect the old sun in a climate like this. July 20th:I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. Bythe time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the size ofa shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car nowsmells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat! July 25th:Ocean breezes, oh yeah sure. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on thefritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he neededto order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane. July 30th:Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swampmosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments and wecan't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Aug 4th:100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 andgets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as muchas the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road.I hate this state. Aug 8th:If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tearhis head off. Dang heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator isboiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roastedGarfield!! Aug 10th:The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It'sbeen too hot for two months and the weatherman says it might reallywarm up next week. And whoever came up with the Statement, "it may be hot,but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat exhaustion.Doesn't it ever rain in this God-forsaken place?? Aug 14th:Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack thewindow and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came tofix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the$1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Aug 30th:Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rainsfinally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove thedamned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly!The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500windshield. That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you haveto worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.