Artistic WorthAn artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time."I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate invalue after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.""That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?""The guy was your doctor."
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Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all
sound the same.
Do not tell anyone what you have done -- it will only cause
them to worry. They will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is
better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your
back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make
that much difference.
For sounds to be produced, three things must happen: The
bellows must be moving in or out. One or more of the keys or
buttons must be pressed. All potential weapons within a
one-mile radius must be collected and secured.
The third is the most important.
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C"
button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without
looking. (This is a safety feature. Before it was invented,
thousands of accordion players suffered painful and
sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the
general public.)
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional"
accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons, but they
are actually just desperately trying to find the darned "C."
By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile
while they do it.
Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the
bottom and the low notes are at the top. (That arrangement
isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.)
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low
notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on
upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the
former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your
accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away
for a long, long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens
your life, whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion
t-shirt, and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.
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Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale." "I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied. "Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
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Army Brat vs. Navy Brat
An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat. "My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?" "Yes," said the Navy brat. "My dad has built them." Then the naval kid spoke: "And do you know the Dead Sea?" "Yes." "It's my dad who's killed it!"
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Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar 2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. 3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island. 4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one? Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way, your in my light!
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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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Auto RepairsAn auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
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Towel Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?" "Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"
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Friendly Bears
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?" After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link. When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"