Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine
is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and
rodeo clowns.
* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.
* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter
resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.
* You have to start the day with a couple of quick
knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind
them up.
* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a
couple of decades.
* You live in constant fear that your friends will discover
your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
Everything tastes funny.
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Golf SurveyMy job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods."There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
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"I'd like the number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the young man said
to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona," the
operator said. "Do you
have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, then said, "Well, most people just call me
Tyrone."
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One day when my granddaughter, Christina, was about 4-years old she was
sitting on the floor playing when she noticed a spider on the wall next to
her.
Without any hesitation, she reached up and hit the spider, leaving its
remains on the wall.
She looked up at her mother and said, "Look, Mommy! I made a picture!"
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"Chemistry Stir"
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.
'It will give me time to get away' said the professor.
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CleanQuote
"A healthy adult male consumes each year one and one-half times his weight in other people's patience."- John Updike
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"Guilt" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."