After Christmas Thought
A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking.
He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.
He replied, "Well, the Playstation that I got from you and my gift
from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper."
He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad
can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
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It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...
- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
- You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.
- Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
- You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
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Green and Red
When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?
When you're eating a watermelon!
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Lots of Letters
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: A Post Office!
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Too Much Television
Q: How do you know a kid who's watches too much TV?
A: You ask a five-year-old what sound a duck makes, and his answered "AFLAC!"
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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm
diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a blonde."
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A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells
"Give
me a beer, or...!"
Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens everyday for a
week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his
wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier
said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.
The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a beer, or...!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."
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"I tried doing stand-up once but everyone just laughed at me." – Ziggy
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In Honor of Stupid People . . .
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
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On Sainsbury's peanuts --
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
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On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
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On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
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On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)
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On some Swanson frozen dinners --
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)
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On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)
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On Nytol Sleep Aid --
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???.....)
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On most brands of Christmas lights --
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)
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On a Japanese food processor --
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
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On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)
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On a child's Superman costume --
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
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On a Swedish chainsaw --
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread
the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to
(maybe even chuckle)...
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****Blessed are the cracked (as in my brother,
Dan): for it is he who lets in the light*****
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You Know It's Not Going to Be a Good Day When...
- Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
- Your pet rock snaps at you.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
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Separate Rooms
The Allen family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Vernie Allenhow he liked it.
“It’s great,” Vernie said. “I have my very own room and my brother Stan has his own room, and Judy has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
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Why is it?
"Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on the phone you hear a radio station?" - Jerry Seinfeld
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Old but Good one:
Stupid
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."
Right away, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"