Tuesday, May 10, 2005

hUMOR For May 10th

IDIOT Sightings
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
They walk among us..............scary!!
********************************
A police officer pulled a blonde over for driving
erratically. She explained, "I was driving down the road,
when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of
the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was
another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree
appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees
magically appeared in the road."

Shaking his head the officer said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
********************************
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.
Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
Thanks to MEMPHISBELLE for this old favorite --

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one
knows for sure how old he was since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place. - Reports of a six- year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live, as the
churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

Two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive
him.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join
the majority and do nothing.
********************************
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
********************************
Watch for these consolidations in 2005. 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
********************************
IDIOT Sightings
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
**********
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
They walk among us..............scary!!