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Sick Aunt
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time
there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
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"Florida Hurricane Advice"
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness
plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Illinois and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately,statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Illinois.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now. Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: its great living in paradise.
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Mountains of gold would not seduce some men, yet flattery would break them down."
- Henry Ward Beecher
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"Warnings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
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The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to
bring something related to their families' religions to
class the next day.
She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to
the rest of the class. One boy came forward and said, "I am
Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."
Another child came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this
is my Star of David."
Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is
my Rosary."
The last little boy came forward and said, "I am Southern
Baptist, and this is my Covered Dish."
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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
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One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
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"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play
or not." - Fran Lebowitz
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10 Best Caddie Come Backs!
# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try moving heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much, much closer now."
# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old," Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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Second Notice
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes
were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill,
saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first
notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."