"Exact Address"
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."
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Oneliner
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men provide them with enough frustration.
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"Nitrates"
Did you hear about the goober who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
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Pilot Crash Reports
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science
professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic
engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear
failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the
stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck
while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail,
grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the
adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control."
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Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he
called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first
notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to
finish my soup!"
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Contact Lens
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his
mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the
lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were
looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive
both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly
asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I
reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I
quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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This guy is an example to all distressed "husbands against shopping for
the fun of it." The following letter was sent to a long time patron of a
Walmart store in Ohio. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would
NEVER take her husband shopping with her ever ever again! ! !
January 12, 2006
Re: Mr. Bill McCubbin Multiple Complaints
Dear Mrs. McCubbin,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill McCubbin has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our
stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. Three of our assistants are attending counseling from the
trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. McCubbin have
been compiled and are listed below.
15 Things Mr. Bill McCubbin has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15 2005 : Took 14 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking. Some religious factions can be extremely
upset by this.
2. July 2 2005: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7 2005: Made a trail of Apple juice on the floor through aisle's 2
and 3 leading to the Toilets.
4. July 19 2005: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
tone, 'Code 11' in aisle 4..... and watched what happened. (This is a code for a
terrorist attack the assistant is still off work with stress)
5. August 4 2005: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a family bag
of peanut M&M's in the lay away service till Xmas.
6. September 14 2005: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. September 15 2005: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows and sleeping bags
from the bedding department.
8. September 23 2005: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4 2005: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose then proceeded to eat same. ( We had to
replace $3000 worth of equipment after the female guard on duty threw up over it )
10. November 10 2005: While handling guns in the newly opened hunting
department, he looked disheveled and asked the assistant if she knows
where the antidepressants are kept
11. December 3 2005: Darted around the store suspiciously whilst loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6 2005: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look-alike bit using different size funnels.
13. December 18 2005: Hid in a XXXL clothing rack and when overweight
customers came anywhere near, he yelled "PICK ME FATTY !" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21 2005: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position on the floor and screams "NO! NO! It's those
voices again!!!!" (And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23 2005: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "Hey anybody out there, There's no
toilet paper in here!"