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Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my
Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a
forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to
withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
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My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
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Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."
4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."
5. "Yield not to Penn Station."
6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go."
Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from *above*!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"
4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"
5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"
6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, *here below.*"
(Explanation added by GCFL.)
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Late Night Studying
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Cliches are a dime a dozen.
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Cooking
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
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I'll be happy when ...
We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be
happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every
moment that you have and treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special, special enough to
spend your time with ... and remember that time waits
for no one.
So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.
There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work
like you don't need money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like no one's watching.