"75 Stories"
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
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CleanQuote
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis."
- Margaret Bonnano
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"Do It Yourself"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
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When a huge semi-trailer truck overturned in my town recently a TV reporter
gave the news as follows: "Two cows, Black and Gus, escaped into the nearby
woods."
After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that
overturned truck, make those Black Angus cattle."
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More Newspaper Bloopers
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump.
The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted
for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily
living.
Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in
the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.
The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in
New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The
bill also applies to Buffalo.
The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed on
the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the cause of
death.
The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.
"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen
again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.
Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.
The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck
suppers.
The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came
down the aisle.
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"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own
way." - Josh Billings
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DIARY FROM Arizona
Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died!! The car now smells like baked cat!! I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for three nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?
August 4th:
It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.
August 8th:
If another stupid person cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. This heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!
August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs....Now my car smells like burnt hair, baked cat.
August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.
August 14th:
Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me???????????? "Hot enough for you today?"
My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.