Laws of Work
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.
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Gonna Be a Bear
In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.
If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
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"Horseshoe Look"
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
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CleanQuote
"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish."
- Mark Twain
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Illustration - "Reality"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
On a tour of
Of course, everyone said yes.
Without another word, he shut off all the lights.
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Jeff stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any
money."
Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."
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A woman was giving a speech, "I just found out that my only child is
academically number one in her class."
Applause radiated from the audience.
"On top of that she was nominated for prom queen."
More applause radiated from the audience.
"Thank you," replied the woman, "but it's not that big of a deal. She's
homeschooled."
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Endless Loop: n., see
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Best Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
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Cows
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give them all a cow.
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Driving Test
Two truck driving brothers are taking a driving test, and the instructor asks, "You're driving the truck and you're at the top of a mountain and your brakes go out. You notice an accident at the bottom of the mountain, what do you do?"
The trucker replies, "The first thing I do is wake up my brother."
"What good is that going to do?" the instructor asks.
The trucker replies replies, "In all of the years we've been driving he ain't never seen an accident like the one we're about to get in to."
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Life
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!"
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"Computer Repair"
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.
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Air Boss
Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service
exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.
Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty,
and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to
appear too "green."
I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted
me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.
"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a
real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with
his people. Great guy."
"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"
Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied,
"O'Hara."
"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."
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"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal
toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play
with that. There are children in
those!'" --Laura Silverman
***
"I have a Y chromosome that makes me ask, Why get married?
But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a whole - which
it is." --Kevin Hench
***
"I like hip-hop. I'm working with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb
Tea. I'm changing my name to Snapple." --Paul Mooney