My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
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"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
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Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
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CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
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Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
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”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
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A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
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Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
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For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
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New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.