A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised
that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp
with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The
head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him
to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the
skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the
lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he
was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree
down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where
did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's
what they call it now!"
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Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
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Foreman
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
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Hippopotamus, New York
A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered. "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.
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For The Kids...
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?Skate! What do you call a fish with no eyes?Fsh! What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?A hermit crab! What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?As far away as possible!
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Yesterday I got even with my dentist. When he was finished I said, "This
may hurt a little, Doc. I don't have any money.
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"Shopping Plan"
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
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Oneliner
"With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider - kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion."
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CleanPun - "Hereafter"
"These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after."
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Redneck Patch
Frank and Bubba were driving home from the bar when Frank noticed blue lights flashing in his rearview mirror.Bubba got scared stiff and started freaking out because of the beers they had in their laps.Frank told Bubba just to be quiet, do what he does, and let him do the talking.Frank then ripped the label off his beer, licked the back of it and slapped it onto his forehead. Bubba went right along and done the same. The officer walked up to the truck and asked, "Have you had anything to drink tonight?". Frank replied, "No sir. Not a drop." The officer looked confused and said, "You sure?" "Yep", said Frank. The officer in a mad voice said, "Then what's that on yall's forehead?" Frank said calmly, "We're alcoholics and our doctor said it would be best if we were on the patch."
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Pea Soup
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?You can chop beef, but you can't pea soup!
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”Two Generals”
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight.After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a low voice, "General, United States Army, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "General, United States Air Force, retired. Married, two sons, both judges."After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Generals."
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”Ring Bell”
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.