All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and
you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a
business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your
house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision:
"Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
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"Not Likely"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'
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CleanQuote
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps."
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"Attending Worship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thanks to everyone who e-mailed to let me know that April the 6th's illustration was a song sung by Tammy Wynette, Shirley Caesar, Melba Montgomery, bt written by Harlan Howard
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
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Thanks to GB: The Memorial
Sunday morning, the preacher noticed that little Alex
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either
side of it. The little seven-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex." "Good morning preacher," replied the
young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher,
what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, Son, it's a Memorial
to all the young men and women who died in the
service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible
when he asked.. "Which service, the 9:00 or the
11:00?"
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Odd Cure
The owner of a drugstore comes to work to find a man
leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside
and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't
find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave
him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," said the
owner. "Sure it will," says the clerk, pointing to the
man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to
cough."
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Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (This one is familiar, but
I couldn't find it in the archive) -- Ducks
Three men die together in an accident and go to
heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one
rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever
saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a
duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is
very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go
months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he
has ever laid eyes on... very shapely, tanned,
beautiful face and gorgeous hair. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word.
The man remarks, with a very happy smile, and a slight
tingle, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck."
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Thanks to LBS: SOMETHING ABOUT ISRAEL
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was
about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely
lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To
remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father,
thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,"
the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening;
however, I must confess that while in Israel I
converted to Christianity.
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So,
in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his
best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned
a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,
they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should
come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening
to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord."
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour
out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the
clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing
that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to
Israel...."
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This could work!!
: USRSF - WORLD'S MOST FEARED FIGHTING FORCE!
USRSF
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky,
Louisiana,
Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Texas and West
Virginia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the
following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country
music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the deaths
of Elvis & Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be
over by next Friday .
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