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"Maranatha"
David Jeremiah told of this one conference where a pastor was talking to the group and said "If nothing else, I want you to remember this one word; maranatha. It means 'The Lord comes'. So when you leave today, you can just greet eachother 'maranatha'!"
Later, a boy went out and greeted one of his Christian friends by loudly calling out "Marijuana!"
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Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching
onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not
twitching a muscle -- just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his
shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter
with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"
The assistant replies, "Yes, he was. He had the most
terrible cough, and none of my prescriptions seemed to
help."
The pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."
The assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of
the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare
cough!"
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Abduction
It was many years ago that I was abducted by aliens. People didn't believe
that it happened when I spoke of it at the time and it's difficult for me to
speak of my experience even now. It's not so much that folks don't believe
that I was abducted as it is the horror of that night. However, it is a
story that I feel needs to be told.
I had attended a social event that warm spring evening. Everyone was having
a good time around the kegs. On or about 3:00 A.M., being the last remaining
guest, I decided to leave since I had also been the first guest of the
night. For the first couple of minutes of my journey home everything seemed
fine but then it became more and more difficult to control my automobile. I
careened from side to side. It was as if the car had a mind of it's own,
almost like I didn't have control. It was then that I saw it. The blue
flashing light hovering above the road behind me.
"A UFO!" I thought. My adrenaline rushing, I tried outrunning the craft but
it must have had me in some sort of tractor beam. The more I tried to get
away the more out of control my car became. It was no use. I decided to pull
over. Soon I was face to face with an alien creature. It stood about six
feet tall and had some sort of shiny scale over its left breast. It grabbed
me and threw me onto the hood of my car. "Don't eat me!" I screamed.
Suddenly I noticed that I could no longer move my arms. It was if I had on
some sort of extraterrestrial handcuffs or something. The next thing I knew
I was in the back of its small craft and was hurtling through space amongst
an eerie blue glow. I could never be more frightened, or so I thought.
I remember being in a small spinning room. In front of me was this strange
machine. They kept putting this tube in my mouth and telling me to blow.
"Such an unusual examination," I thought. It wasn't about to argue though
since I had heard of worse things that have happened to others on the Sci-Fi
channel.
One of them handed me a communicator and said I could call anyone I'd like.
A clever ploy indeed. I wasn't about to let them use me as bait to ensnare
another victim. I knew what they were up to. I called my wife, "Honey it's
me. I've been abducted by aliens. Listen carefully. Run! They're coming for
you! They're coming for you! Run baby! Run! 'To Serve Man,' it's a
cookbook!" One of the aliens yanked the communicator from my hands and began
speaking with my wife. I must have fainted for that was the last I remember.
Surprisingly, I woke up in my own bed the next morning with a horrible taste
in my mouth. It was a taste that rminded me of being up all night drinking
beer from a keg. I found a note from my wife that read, "This is the last
time I do this for you. I've had enough. Have a nice life." It was then that
I knew that the aliens had gotten her. I haven't seen her since.
So the next time you're driving down the road in the wee hours of the
morning, lookout for the flashing blue lights. If you see them, run. Run
very fast. They're coming for you! They're coming for you! Run baby! Run!
++++++++++++++++++
"Hardware is the part of the computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
++++++++++++++++++
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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19 If it's t rue that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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22. If! a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"?
++++++++++++++++++
How To Drive Like A Floridian....
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no- fault insurance the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.
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12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.
13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.