Nose Picking Glossary
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your
forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the
best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you
wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the
smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your
probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling
out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger
goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone
looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what
you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it
stubornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves
your breathing by 90%.
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I.R.S.
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten
trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said looking guilty. " Er
Well... we also deliver."
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For The Kids...
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
The outside.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your
bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why didn't the piglets listen to their father?
Because he was a boar (Brandy, 11)
Why was the doctor always angry?
Because he had no patients (Lan, 9)
What did the hotshot salesman want when he joined the
Army?
His commission
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
Wet
When baseball umpires aren't happy with their pay,
they call more strikes.
If you don't fix the plumbing for your shower properly
you could be in a lot of hot water.
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed
to see sickness.
"Could I try on that dress in the window?" "I'd prefer
that you use the dressing room."
Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex.
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I
correct that ?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new
boyfriend?"
A husband asked his wife if she had seen this
morning's paper. She says, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage
in it -- just the classified section, though." He
said, "But... I haven't seen it yet!" She replies,
"Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds
and a few orange peels."
At night court, a man was brought in and set before
the judge. The judge said, "State your name,
occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm
Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The
judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry
cell!"
A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two
tents."
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Headline: Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers.
Psychiatrist's Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting
room who claims to be invisible." Doctor, "Tell him
I can't see him right now."
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift
painstakingly.
"Help!" the man on the phone screamed at the plumber,
"I gotta leak in my toilet!" "Why tell me?" said the
plumber. "What do you think it's there for?"
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin
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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
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FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of c ash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.