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Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
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"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are
easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National
Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts
and sing without embarrassment. They know the words
and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression,
World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and
Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,the Korean War,
The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front
of women and children and they don't like any filth on
TV or in movies
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag
unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is
protected, not by politicians or police, but by the
young men and women in the military serving their
country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent
values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Geezers!
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The Lighter side of Good Advice and observations!
If you can't be kind, at least have the courtesy to be
vague.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the
right thing at the right time, but to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Did you ever know that the Roman Numerals for 40 are
XL?
It's been said that if you can smile when things go
wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
There's a lot to be thankful for if you look for it.
I was just thinking how nice it is wrinkles don't
hurt, they only hurt the mirror!
Did you ever notice that when you put the words "the"
and "irs" together it spells "theirs?'
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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There is nothing like a good long walk especially if the person taking it is someone you want to get rid of.
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Why did Texas choose Orange as their team color?...... You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday and picking up the trash along the highways the rest of the week.
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TEXAS HOSPITALITY
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared
to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on
runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound
on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R.
Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME
RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya
hear?"
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Subject: Grandma
Here goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing
outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
"Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping... uh.. you know.... on top of
each other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth..."That's
called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony seemed satisfied, just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily with
hand on hip:"Grandma, it is NOT called sexual
intercourse! It's called bunk beds !"
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BUBBA APPLIES FOR WORK
Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles
refinery.
A
Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.
Upon
completion
of
the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The
manager
went
to
Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided
to
give
the
Yankee the job."
Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got
nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a
Southern
boy,
I
should get the job!"
The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers,
but
rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then
asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than
the other?"
The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the
Yankee
put
down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
(It don't pay to cheat)
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Dictionary of Southern Medical Transcription TermsArtery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria................ ..... Back door to cafeteria. Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die. Benign........................ What you be, after you be eight.
Cat scan...................... Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome. Colic............................ A sheep dog. Coma........................... A punctuation mark. D&C............................ Where Washington is. Dilate........................... To live long. Enema.......................... Not a friend. Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else. Fibula........................... A small lie. Genital.......................... Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball. Hang nail....................... What you hang your coat on. Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain.................... Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................... A higher offer. Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates. Node............................ I knew it. Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted. Pap Smear.................... A fatherhood test. Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis. Post-Operative.............. A letter carrier. Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................... At least a two car crash. Secretion....................... Hiding something. Seizure........................... Roman emperor. Tablet............................ A small table. Terminal Illness.............. Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................... .One plus one more. Urine............................. Opposite of you're out. Varicose........................ Near by/close by