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Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Jester Pun
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool
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Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
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Here is today's Illustration.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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I'm Just Fine
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?
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Compensating Factors
Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other
how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good
sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen
sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone
has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."