Customer Service
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store
when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw.
As luck would have it, he was standing behind the Customer Service counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts,
caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we
were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local
theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy
dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."
/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, loov, I'm going to the bar."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
If you earnestly believe you can compensate for not having skill by working
twice as hard, there is no end to what you can't do.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: Columbus
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was
Columbus treated when he returned from his third
voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier,
and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the
assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's
desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received
a cool reception when he returned from his third
voyage."
*******************************************************
From a friend: Outside Looking In
A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and
when asked why he's there, the fellow responds,
"Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking
in."
"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have
to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few
basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a window washer."
*******************************************************
Some from a friend:
"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I
got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This
policeman comes up to me. He has this great big
helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all
the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little
lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I
had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that
you look like one of the Village People?'" --Rita
Rudner
***
"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and
science test scores of American students. We bombed in
history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students
think BC means Before Cable." --Argus Hamilton
***
Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the
organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in
the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and
"Hearse."
***
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History
were marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asked the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur
bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
***
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the
cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll
be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY,
right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
*******************************************************
From a friend: THE ACCIDENT AND THE PROFESSOR
George Smyth was the dean at Midwestern University.
One day he was asked to give a talk to the new staff
and teachers at MU.
After a long while he decided on a seminar on Louis
Dellingtom Quincy, a distinguished Professor of
Economics that put MU on the map.
Every year in January, economists came from all over
the world to hear his discussions of how the business
world looks for the new year. They hung on every word
and his forecasts were top news in all the financial
papers. Now Dean Smyth's lecture was not about
professor Quincy, but about a single accident which
caused his downfall. It was also about teaching
methods and -- most of all the fate of this man who
was one day on top of the world and a helpless wreck
the next.
When the group had gathered, Dean Smyth told his
story. It was the tale of a man who had his way with
words and the terms of economics. Quincy had one of
those deep voices that instills trust in his words.
But it was also the saga of a man who was proud. He
had some human failings. Professor Quincy loved fast
cars! Every year he bought the most powerful car he
could buy. He drove like the wind on the back roads of
the county and this made him feel alive!
He always got a good deal on his automobiles because
the manufacturers knew that if he bought their model,
the word would get out to the business world and their
stock would go steadily up.
Remember that I said that he was vain? Well, he liked
all the best of things, and when a leading Swiss make
of fine watches asked his permission to bring out a
new model, the Quincy -- he leapt at the opportunity.
When the first watch left the factory, the
manufacturer made a fuss about presenting it to the
professor. And, like the cars, as soon as this
information hit the Wall Street Journal, the company's
stock hit the roof!
The next day, a beautiful day in early June, the
professor took a ride out in the country, with his new
car and his fine new watch. The day was perfect! Clear
blue sky with puffy clouds and the temperature low
enough that he could ride with his window wide open.
Riding there, with the wind in his gray hair and the
sun glinting off of his new watch, that was surely as
close to heaven that one could get on earth.
Up ahead, there was an old tractor lumbering along the
narrow lane. Professor Quincy hit the horn and the
farmer pulled over as far as he could on the left
shoulder and, waving a silent "thank you," Quincy
whizzed by in a cloud of dust. It may be that the gods
looked down and felt that this gray old man was too
cocky. It also could have been that the professor's
eyes we showing their age. But, no matter what it was,
Quincy's left arm was caught on a spike on the tractor
and was ripped right off!
And that was the end of the wonderful career of
Economics Professor Louis Dellington Quincy. But,
wait! I didn't mean to imply that Quincy died in that
accident. It was much worse! He lived on for many
years, but without the glory of his professorship.
That, like his arm, was gone for good. After he left
the hospital and recuperated, he went back to his
lectures, but they were flat and without the insight
and the deep wisdom of his earlier years. You see, his
most powerful arguments were gone, because he could no
longer use the most important lecture tool that all
economists take for granted -- he could no longer
balance his statements with, "but on the other
hand..."
Oh yes! He lost his watch, too. (By Lee Daniel Quinn)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see the tombstone reads:
"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services."
Suddenly Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, 'You should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone.!"
Through the tears, Morris sobs, 'You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Postponed Test
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam
because of a funeral.
"No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week." That week
came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't
keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know
pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "But I'm the only
gravedigger in town."