"Neighborhood Explosion"
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
++++++++++++++++++
Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her
much until one evening when her husband called from the hall,
somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I
had a phone number written on it."
++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." - Anonymous
++++++++++++++++++
"Promises"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. A whole lot of them begin with "If elected I promise..."
++++++++++++++++++
I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on
giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me
about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings
from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One
earring read, 'With all,' and the other, 'my love.' When I
asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To
remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I
should let it go in one ear and out the other.'"
++++++++++++++++++
TEACHERS MANUAL
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory
Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK
1.When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full
credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full
credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it
until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS
1.If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce
that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave.
2.If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try
taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to
flunk your class.
LECTURES
1.In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the
class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the
readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this.
2.When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the
art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite
unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the
end of class you scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have
to get the material from the book.
GRADING
1.Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade
papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when
seen from a distance.
2.You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and
easy grading:
20 % Name
20 % Penmanship
50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself
Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS
1.If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was
marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark
student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you
onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT
1.If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't
turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra
credit problems are: Solve the dining philosophers problem, using
semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick
into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for
the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood.
2.You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work
while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING
1.When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each others
homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then
photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework.
2.Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect
information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on
exams. Examples that have proven effective at this technique include:
The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe,and Curly. The only
possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1,and 2. The three components of
the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS, and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures.
The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a
large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating
system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system
running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says
that you can write any computer program using only three basic control
structures: Sequence, Selection, and Guessing.
LAB
You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist
with student's questions. Student's have been known to come up with some
real beauties: Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased
itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory?
What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer."
Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing"
S: Turn on the monitor
P: "How do I get into Windows?"
S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy.
P: "I can't get this computer to do anything."
S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard.
P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file."
S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do."
S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.
++++++++++++++++++
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to
any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs,
I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my
husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
++++++++++++++++++
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." - Jack Handey