Sensitive Men
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
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Politically Speaking
"My uncle ran for Senate last year."
"Really? What does he do now?"
"Nothing. He got elected."
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Good Investment
A woman walks into a bank in
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in
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"Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was
under fire while she was in
her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." -Jay Leno
***
"Ringling Bros. Circus is in
don't think I'm going to the circus this year; if I want
to see clowns at
game." -David Letterman
***
"Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper's parachute. He's
wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called
the kids; he said he wants his pants back." -Craig Ferguson
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Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of
the first man in powered flight was from
man to orbit the earth was from
the moon was from
"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of
he observed.
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I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder
with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal
experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates
my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm
tense.
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered
to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."
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The Perfect Man
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman...
A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”
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Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket
Latest
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.
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It's All in the Drawl
A student from a southern university was visiting a relative in
The co-ed was not impressed with his grammar or drawl, but answered anyway, "Yale."
The good ol' southern boy took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DO Y'ALL GO TO SCHOOL!?"
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"Worst Horse Ever"
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."
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Oneliner
"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money."
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CleanPun - "Tickled"
I'm tickled to be the chairman of the Society for People with Super-Sensitive Feet.