"Measuring Hunger"
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."
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CleanQuote
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Irwin Corey
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"Gas Prices" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Do you think a gallon of gas is expensive?
Just put things a bit in perspective.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9. 52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49....... ...$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Did I mention that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or heaven forbid Pepto Bismal orNyquil!
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Defensive Driving Course
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a poice officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in.
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Collected Comments of College Students
- He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. - Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up! - His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. - Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. - This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all on faith. - The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. - Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. - Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever. - Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all directions - no way to stop it. - I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin that I used while doing the problem sets.
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Two Elderly People
This is the story of two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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For The Kids...
Why do vampires like school dinners?Because they know they won't get stake! Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?He was a numbskull! I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nooooooooooooowwwww!
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A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and
you're dead. I'm looking for money."
The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."
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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But
the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the
shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes,
holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped
the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed
them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. After looking in a
mirror at the holes in his clothing, he decided to toss his clothes in the
trash as well.
A policeman observed all this and asked the man for identification. The man
produced a document that he was an ordained minister of the gospel. So, of
course, the policeman promptly escorted him to a mental institution.
The minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust
treatment.
"Look, it's the best place for you now," the policeman replied, "Anyone
claiming to be a preacher, but who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes
has probably lost his buttons."
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"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN
PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small
children." - Jonathan Katz