Thanks to Genevon H.for today's PearlyGates item.”I Had A Fight Today”
I've had a REALLY bad day! I rear-ended a car today.
I tell you, It was a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD DAY!
The driver got out of the other car and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"
So I said, "Well then, which one ARE you?"
That's how the fight started.
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Sign Language for the DentistYou know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that youcould use to express yourself without having to mumble.Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the ceiling above the dentist chair.It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself. The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourself and could fix the problem right away.1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running down my neck.3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with that incredibly sharp tool.5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you missed before I gag?7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been mistaken.8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I may bite you.10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.
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Birth Order & Children Your Clothes: 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. Preparing for the Birth: 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. The Layette: 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean anddiscard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries: 1st baby: At the first sign of distress, a whimper, a frown, youpick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wakeyour firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind themechanical swing. Pacifier: 1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it awayuntil you can go home and wash and boil it. 2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt itoff with some juice from the baby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. Diapering: 1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whetherthey need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, ifneeded. 3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start tocomplain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. Activities: 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the drycleaner. Going Out: 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, youcall home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember toleave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only ifshe sees blood. At Home: 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. Swallowing Coins: 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the childto the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefullywatch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it fromhis allowance!
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Amish Brakes An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake.
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A Tool Guide HAMMER; Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays isused as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far fromthe object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE; Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly wellon boxes containing leather and fabric products. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL; Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets intheir holes until you die of old age, but it also works great fordrilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goesto the rear wheel. PLIERS; Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW; One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes. VISE GRIPS; Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm ofyour hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH; Used almost entirely for lighting various flammableobjects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the greaseinside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS; Once used for working on older British cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS; A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flatmetal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest andflings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshlypainted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL; Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you tosay, 'Ouch....' HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK; Used for lowering a tractor to theground, trapping the jack handle firmly under the chassis somewhere. EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4; Used for levering a tractor upward offa hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS; A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE; Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulicfloor jack. Snap-On GASKET SCRAPER; Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR; A tool that snaps off in bolt holes andis ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT; A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST; A handy tool for testing the tensilestrength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten todisconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER; A large motor mount prying toolthat inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the endwithout the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER; A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acidfrom a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining thatyour battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS; See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT; The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' whichis not otherwise found under tractors at night. Health benefits aside,its main purpose is to consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the samerate that 105 mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the firstfew hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, itsname is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER; Normally used to stab the lids of old stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR; A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burningpower plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air thattravels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Dearborn, and roundsthem off. PRY BAR; A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip orbracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER; A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.