!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, here's my attempt to make it up for the Texas
jokes... sort of...
RULES TO ENTER TEXAS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel
road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No
matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell
like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.
Don't like it? I-20 and I- 10 go east and west, I-35
goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks
a year.
5. So every! person in every pickup waves. It's called
being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You
better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the
time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want
sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait
shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer
season. It's a religious holiday held the closest
Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all
women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main
dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three
spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah..!
.. We don't care what you folks! in Cincinnati call
that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was
born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never
met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be
brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary
Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and High School Football is as important
here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site
more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the
water hazards - it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas,Texas A&M or Texas Tech. They
come outta there with an education plus a love for God
and country, and they still wave at passing pickups
when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with
Texas" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam
Houston once said: "Texas can make it without the
United States, but the United States can't make it
without Texas."
******************************************************
This is offered to me as true... funny either way...
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a
case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them
against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and
having yet to make a single premium payment on the
policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost
the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance
company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued... and won! In delivering his ruling, the
judge stated that since the man held a policy from the
company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure
the cigars against fire, without defining what it
considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated
to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than
endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid
the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the
fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance
company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used as evidence against him, the
man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare
cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year terms!
******************************************************
For the golfers on the list...
A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking
as though he'd just escaped a tornado.
"What's wrong?" a woman asked.
"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.
"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen.
How could he have beaten you?"
"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he
asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40,
50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just
give me two gotchas.'"
"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.
"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said.
"Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing
off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out
'Gotcha!'"
"I can guess what happened," the woman said.
"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I
missed the ball completely."
"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's
only one swing. How did he win the game?"
The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball
while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'"
******************************************************
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't
sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but
she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door
had recently done the same job and the two rooms were
identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did
you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did
the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper
for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
******************************************************
A husband and wife had quarreled for a quite a while.
After a cool down period, the wife went to her husband
the next morning and asked, "Honey, what are you
doing?"
Her husband tried to hide the document in hand and
mumbled, "Nothing."
His wife, who had seen what the document was, became
very upset. "Nothing? I see you reading our Marriage
certificate. Why you even got out a magnifying glass!
You've been looking that over upside down, backwards,
forwards, every which way! What's that all about?"
Dejected, her husband said, "Well, if you must know, I
was looking for the expiration date!"
******************************************************
A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a
terrifying scene. In front of a lonely mountain cabin,
a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his
wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her
lap.
"Why don't you shoot that beast?" cried the traveler.
"I will if I have to," she replied tersely, "but he's
a drunken, no-good bum and I'm hoping the bear will
save me the trouble."
******************************************************
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
Why did the fish jump onto the television? So it could
swim in different channels. (Justine, 8)
Why did the jelly roll? Because he saw the apple
turnover!
Why did the farmer talk to his corn field. Because it
was all ears. (Rachel, 8)
What is a frogs favorite time? Leap Year!
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a
pig?Jurassic Pork! (Hank, 9)
What did the cat rest its head on when it went to
sleep? A Cat-er-pillow
What do you call a man who's a radio announcer? Mike
******************************************************
JEST FOR KIDS THE PUNS
An arch criminal is one who robs shoe stores.
Every time I put on some trousers, my wardrobe gets
depleated.
Check out books at the library. It's a novel idea.
An elevator makes ghosts happy because it lifts the
spirits
A baker quit making donuts because he got tired of the
hole thing.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Captains of ships have a lot of latitude.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Feeding Shamu
At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show
featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.
No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind.
Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance.
An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "They
choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."