Night OutTired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife.Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
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"Dun in Texas"
A cowboy (named Julius?) rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
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Oneliner
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
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"Auditor"
As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"
"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."
It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.
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”Break Request”
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."
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What Rank?While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his."What rank are you?" I asked."I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major.""Relieved? Why?""Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
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Organic Vegetables
The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were." "He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'" "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"
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Police News Headlines
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers - Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted - Drunk gets nine months in violin case - Juvenile court to try shooting defendant - Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years - Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 - Stolen Painting Found By Tree - Judge To Rule On Nude Beach - Police Discover Crack In Australia - Men Recommend More Clubs For Wives - Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung - Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
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Wedding Vows
A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."
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For The Kids...
Knock! Knock! Who's there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water! Knock! Knock!Who's there?Ice cream soda!Ice cream soda who?ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME... Knock KnockWho's there?Ice cream!Ice cream who?Ice cream of Jeannie!
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Pauly, whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in many added
pounds and girth, asked his buddy Maury to accompany him to a car
dealership, where he was shown a Jeep by a car salesman.
When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"
Pauly turns to Maury and asks, "What do you think?"
Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, Maury ventures, "A fork lift?"