Little Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said
a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave,
He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Johnny. "I
asked Him to help you put up with me."
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As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one
cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing
religiously."
"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to church."
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"Churches don't need new members half so much as they need the old bunch
made over." - Billy Sunday
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The End of the HamA young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."
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Ghetto Spelling Bee Tyreal came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff". Mother: "Tyreal, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?" Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F". 1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know. 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL . 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard. 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little. 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time. 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space. 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE . 8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away. 9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her. 10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH , I'm out. 11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET . 12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING . 13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change. 14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play. 15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy. 16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?" 17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart. 18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM ." 19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE . 20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE .
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A plane full of folks headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."The passengers were numb with fear, except for one – Sister Schar, a very pious woman. "Now, now, keep calm," she said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except for Schar’s husband, Dan. "Dan, why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked."I don't know how to pray," he replied."Well, just do something religious!" instructed the Sister Schar.With that, Dan got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering to help pay the bets on all the electric football he’d lost to his brother in Ocala.
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In the Fitting RoomMy girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
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DANNY IN CHURCH3-year-old Danny:"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.Amen."~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Little Danny was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~After the baptism of his baby brother in church, Danny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, Danny replied,"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Four-year-old Danny prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Dim witted little Danny replied,"Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Danny 8, and Vern 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Danny turned to his younger brother and said, "Vern, you be Jesus!"~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A wife invited some people to dinner.At the table, she turned to their six-year-old son, Danny, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the boy replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. Danny bowed his head and said,"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And if you don't send this to at least 8 people to pray for the adult brat little
Danny became ----- who cares?! Peace, love and happiness