Heart-to-Heart
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of
his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling
with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing
comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes
me miss the folks I shoot at."
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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
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"A Primer For Accordion Beginners"
Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.
Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.
They will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.
For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most important:
1. The bellows must be moving in or out.
2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured.
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the stupid "C".
By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.
Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.
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CleanQuote
"Something's wrong when kids run wild and dogs are sent to obedience school."
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"Misery"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Penny, a good Assessment nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done. Her husband asked, "Was the patient that bad?"
Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this."
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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your
house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were
busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer
would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up,
counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response
unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said
that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
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At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an
F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into
the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the
top of the ramp points out the various controls and
gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's
capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Could I have a
quarter?"
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After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the
previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat
down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
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"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common
birthday." - Senator John Glenn
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When my brother Vern feels the urge to exercise, he lays down until it goes away.
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Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to
help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from
the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and
proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his
father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece
of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The
pieces are all the same size."