!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining,
"Mommy, I've got a stomachache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he
was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad
headache all day long.
Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Head Check
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old
nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.
Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon,
he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his
forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to
his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Bad Girls Turn Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been
fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you
combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is
always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah's
parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound
interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old
that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when
children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your
misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the
phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother
asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real
line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line.
Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa
(Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But,
when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she
reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how
there would be no presents Christmas morning to
children who fought with their sisters. He would be
watching, and he expected things to be better from now
on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to
each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up
when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in
her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did
Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my
sister this year."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coming Downstairs
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to
tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come
down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come
down stairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend PW: Satan and Church Members
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you
know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for 44 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: How Do Customer Service People Keep A
Straight Face?
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with
your
CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive,
right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in
the CD player and all I get is weird noises.
Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a
note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the
left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical
on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've
even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the
supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does
work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as
in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address,
but
how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!