Management Lesson
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management lesson?
Always let your boss have the first say.
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Egomaniac
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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Retiring
Of course, some people never retire...
Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.
And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.
But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!
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Dumb Truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
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Common Tools Explained
To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
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Yet Another Management Lesson
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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"Kids' Letters to the President"
Dear Mr. President:
How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist.
--
When will we have a woman president? I am ready.
--Brooke A, age 10
Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president.
--Richard D., age 8
Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
--A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8
What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot.
--Kimberly W., age 8,
Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in
--Elizabeth P., age 8 Seattle WA
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble.
--Ralph N.,
What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer.
--Shannon D., age 8 Bismarck, ND
I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about.
--Tracey O., age 10 Green Valley, AZ
My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years.
--Peter N., age 7 Bismarck, ND
Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you.
--Joey P., age 8
On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble.
--Martin J., age 9
Dear Mr. President:
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer befpre we are 18.
--Ryan C., age 12
Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets.
--Michael P., age 8
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Man's Best Friend
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it,
just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an
hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans
said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than
President Bush. Well sure, with
with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention
you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home
late.'" --Jay Leno
***
"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-
tected marine area, dubbed the
National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired
some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart