Contact LensThe teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand."How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked."We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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"Scotch Tape has been designated a national historic
chemical landmark. It's only the second time in history
something's been designated a chemical landmark. The
first was the state of New Jersey." -Jay Leno
***
"Police in Germany say they arrested a man in a wheel chair
for breaking into a building. They say the man would have
gotten away, but they shot out his tires." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Autumn starts Sunday. Here in L.A. we don't actually have
leaves, but we watch Ashley Simpson's hair change color."
-Jimmy Kimmel
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I work for a small software company with approximately fifty
employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a
meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-
selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've
been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I
started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior
manager."
When it was my turn, I stood and said, "I'm new with the
company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
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Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western
civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
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Speeding Ticket
A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a
policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her
the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and
everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
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Just a Little Help
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
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Household Budget
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand."
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Emergency Room
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment. "What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again."
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Did she threaten to kill you?
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No." "Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No." "Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
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Connie told her 3-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was found jumping from one
bed to the other.
Connie's friend said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were
you?"
He stood before her with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying
so hard to quit."
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A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per
night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in
a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180
pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have
wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
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The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is
comprehensible. - Albert Einstein
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, Proff Vernon Allen capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting his brother Dan standing on the shore, Prof. Allen shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," Dan hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, Prof. Allen started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked Dan, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"Didn’t do nothin,'" the Dan said.
"Wow," said the breathless still-swimming Prof. Allen and slowed down.
Then added, "The sharks got 'em."
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"Primative Tech Support"
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:This "Fire Help." Me Groog.Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.You have flint and stone?Ugh.You hit them together?Ugh.What happen?Fire not work.(sigh) Make spark?No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.*sigh* You change rock?I change nothing.You sure?Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*