"Redecorating Help"
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
hUMOR For March 8th
"Redecorating Help"
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
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