Packing Instructions
I was scheduled to fly from
As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
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"Starting To Date"
Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."
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Oneliner
"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."
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CleanPun - "Atheists"
"An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support."
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”When Insults Had Cass”
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. "
- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder
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An Extra Wife
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a
pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one
child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the
older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much
we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about
that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
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What's in a Name
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me
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Climb the Ladder
The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.
He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing .... hanging on with one hand and writing with the other - a difficult task for someone who does not like heights.
All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.
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Who's Counting?
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
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CleanQuote
"Taking the bull by the horns is often a sound course of action..as long as you and the bull agree on when to let go."
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"Bus Stop"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Once there was couple traveling on a bus in a mountainous area. Close to their destination they decided to get off a bit early and enjoy a short walk the rest of the way.
After the couple got off the bus, it proceeded on its route but 100 feet later a huge boulder fell on the bus, crushing it and killing everybody on board.
Upon see this happen the couple said " We wish we were on that bus"
Why do u think they said that?
Think about it and then scroll down for the answer.
--------- Answer !!!! ---------
If the couple had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get off, the resulting time delay would have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed.
Remember and consider others in life.